In the last article, we discussed how misused anger can be a dangerous relapse warning sign. Like a plane that flies below the radar anger and resentment often go undetected our lives. They have a way of weaving themselves into our personalities until we cannot recognize them for what they are. Rather than examining ourselves to see if anger is there, we often excuse it: “I’m just a tough-minded person, because I’ve had to be,” or “This is how you must play the game in life; act nice to people in public, but do what you have to do to get what you want from them in private.” For the addict or alcoholic, you cannot afford the “tool” of anger anymore, because, as we’ve seen, it leads to unhappiness, nonacceptance of life circumstances, and often, relapse.
So how do I manage my anger? You can always count to ten or take a deep breath. Unfortunately, that will not always resolve the issue. To reach a resolution, there are three ways to generally handle anger. Sometimes, a combination of them is also the answer:
- Assertively ask for what you want
- Forgive the offending party
- Be realistic about the part that you played in the offense
As we discussed in the last article, we become angry for various reasons, such as a reaction to an injustice or to protect ourselves. Rather than respond in anger, a better way is to be assertive; ask for what you want. In this method, rather than getting even with the offending party, a rather childish response, instead, you take the adult approach. A handy tool is to follow the “X-Y-Z” method. Tell the offending person, “When you did “X,” in situation “Y,” it made me feel, “Z.” For example, “When you did not finish your chores this week after we discussed this already, it made me feel frustrated.” Here, you are expressing a fact-what actually happened, and a feeling how you feel about it. It is very brief and to the point. Notice you express your feeling verbally, but you should avoid acting out your emotion. Get yourself under control, as if you were at work, and present your complaint as a professional adult. Howard Markman and Scott Stanley in their book, “Fighting For Your Marriage,” discuss four danger signs of communication. Although the application they make is regarding marriage, these principles apply to any relationship. There are four things to avoid when assertively expressing your complaint.
Their research revealed that these are the primary actions or attitudes that prevent true communication. Name-calling refers to even implying an insult toward the other person. Saying, “Whenever you didn’t complete your chores like a dummy, it made me feel annoyed.” That contaminates the conversation. Second, withdrawing from the issue and never addressing it would be the opposite of being assertive and addressing your problem. Third, escalating is not helpful: “And not only do you not do your chores, but you also have bad breath!” Last, invalidation will not win over the other person: “I’m sure whatever your complaint is it is trivial compared to mine, so would you please start doing your chores?”
A second approach to managing anger is to simply forgive the offending party. Like it or not, some people will not feel sorry for offending you, or perhaps feel you are too sensitive, and that an apology from them is not necessary. In those cases, forgiveness is a powerful tool, which can help you let go of your anger. True, sometimes it is a tough pill to swallow. But staying angry at someone else is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. In other words, you’re the one left feeling unhappy, not them. A third approach, which often helps with forgiveness, is recommended in the “Alcoholics Anonymous” book. Ask yourself, “What part did I play in this offense?” In other words, I might be angry with someone, but did I actually play a role, too? If so, it can help lessen the pain when considering how you were offended.